However, 10 minutes later when I asked what he might be willing to do from the “To Do List”, his reply was that he was too tired and it would have to wait. “But I only am asking for 15 minutes of you time!” was my reply and immediately the circus in my head began screaming “That’s NOT FAIR!” and “Oh sure but you had enough energy to have sex with me!”
After quieting the screaming angry voices I managed to express my needs as follows:
“I am disappointed. I worked hard all day too, I need for you to participate in our home”
“I am upset with your lack of willingness, and procrastination. You have not even looked at the list. Some things there do not require physical exertion – could you do 5 minutes?”
“Where is the Compromise, Teamwork, Give and take? I feel like I am the only one giving.”
Although many have said that all the self-help books in the world will not fix my marriage (or me), I decided I was going to get 15 minutes of his time so I picked one up and began to read it to him
For a $5.00 bargain at a yard sale, my Dad recently bought me a Dremmel Tool. I discovered it had Heavy Duty Cutting Wheels in the box. I attached one, plugged it in and within 2 minutes had sparks flying and cut through the steel padlock.
This procedure gifted me with the chance to face a fear, (of grinders that spark!) try something new, (this awesome little power tool) and left me with a great sense of accomplishment. One more step up the self-esteem ladder!
Speaking My Mind
After reading 2 stories from “I Love You More”, I was interested to hear another wife share that she entered counseling and learned that she “needed to stop walking on eggshells and speak my mind about my needs” and that she felt like she was mothering him and needed a teammate. I was immediately proud of myself for the courage I displayed in discussing my needs and frustrations. I was able to talk with my husband about not wanting to nag at him but hoping he would start putting efforts in without being asked.
We have all heard that it is helpful for couples to have a regular time to relax and just enjoy each other’s company. For us this has always been Friday nights. The end of the work week, and it usually involves sloth and gluttony in front of a large TV screen – so, once a week I will try to be okay with that.
I will also be making an effort to:
1. Relax once in a while
2. Try to be more empathetic about his busy work day
3. Have a tea with his Mom to learn how she motivated him
Lessons Learned & Questions to Ponder
- Maybe it is my expectations that need to change?
- I need to stop trying to change him and just do the work on the house because I want to, and I feel good when it is done. (FLY Lady!)
- Discussing my feelings, needs and desires is healthy for my relationship!
- Who can I ask for help with our Yard Sale this weekend?
My Self-Help Books Referred to This Week
SINK REFLECTIONS - Author: Marla Cilley, FLY LADY
I LOVE YOU MORE - Authors: Drs. Les & Leslie Parrott
THROW OUT FIFTY THINGS, Clear the Clutter, Find Your Life - Author: Gail Blanke